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| There are 22 entries in the glossary. |
| Pages: 1 |
| Baptism | A ceremony in which a person asks an imaginary being for forgiveness for sins he/she has committed and for sins his/her ancestors committed, usually done with the hope that eternal happiness in heaven will be the reward. (see heaven) Ritual and symbolic drowning. Holy hair washing.
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| Baptist | One who does not believe in the divinity of a Methodist. |
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| Bear | A wild animal used by God to kill groups of children for making fun of bald prophets (2nd kings 2:23-24). |
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| Bearing False Witness | Lying. (A violation of one of the Ten Commandments, unless it is done to advance the cause of Christian Expansionism.) |
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| Beetle | A flying insect whose folded wings are protected inside a flap of exoskeleton. Obviously God's favorite creature, as there are over 300,000 known species.
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| Belief | A form of intellectual laziness, combined with intrinsic greed, fear and guilt, and born of ignorance. |
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| Bible | - A collection of stories from Christian mythology.
- Yahweh's Big Book of Fairy Tales. A collection of stolen mythology and morality tales....of course which side of the moral fence it's on is rarely made clear.
- According to a certain type of Christian, an infallible instruction manual. Like the documentation for much contemporary software, it is badly-written, out of date, and ignores the fact that most modern humans are not backwardly-compatible with the original version.
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| Bible Code | - The notion that God has put secret messages in the bible, hidden in the patterns of letters. Ignores the fact that the bible is supposed to be the complete, inerrant word of God. Presumably, God was worried that the Bible, as written, was too clear and consistent, and needed another level of obfuscation.
- A source of great comfort to "true believers" who fear to think about such things too deeply.
- Another example of how people can attribute meaning to random noise in an attempt to feel valued.
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| Biblical Interpreation | - A gift from God, granted only to True Christian fundamentalists. It enables them to tell which of the many contradictory rules and regulations in the "inerrant" Bible are actually meant to be applied literally (i.e. the ones about persecuting gays/women/anyone they don't like) and which were only intended in a "spiritual" sense (i.e. the ones about giving all your possessions to the poor).
- It also allows them to identify:
- Bits God put in just to trap unbelievers,
- Bits where Satan makes evil atheists and non-fundamentalists see contradictions which aren't really there. (See "cop-out".)
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| Bigot | An obstinate and intolerant holder of particular religious opinions, who refuses to listen to reason and is ready to force others to agree with him. The term arrived in English via French, having originated centuries earlier among Germanic/Frankish tribes of Gaul. Bei Gott (By God) mocked the exclamation frequently used by the crusading Christian missionaries who were bludgeoning the tribes into conversion.
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| Birth control | - A religious plan where if a man has sexual relations with any of a long list of people, both he and the woman are put to death Leviticus 20. (Note, there is no provision for waiting 9 months to see to it that any unborn baby gets a "right to life" first).
- Option the church attempts to deny women.
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| Blasphemy | - Speaking rudely to/about the IPU (see Invisible Pink Unicorn).
- Offensive language used against a god, made acceptable when Jesus did it (see Matthew 26:65).
- A "crime" committed by one who insults or shows disrespect to an omnipotent deity who nevertheless requires a human law to protect Him or Her from hurt feelings. Curiously, like the tree falling in the forest, it appears that blasphemy can only occur when a religious zealot is present to hear it. Nevertheless, blasphemy remains a criminal offence in the United Kingdom (last prosecution late 1970s - but fundy groups constantly threaten new ones) and in many Islamic countries, where such offences can incur the death penalty, and where questioning even the tiniest aspect of Islam is considered blasphemous.
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| Blessed Virgin Mary | Reputed to be the mother of Jesus, she amuses herself by presenting to her followers images of herself in oil stains, knots of wood, etc.
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| Blind Faith | - The total inability of theists to see the absurdity or danger or negative influence of their belief systems, no matter how clearly it is demonstrated to them or how closely it is waved in front of their face.
- Seeing things that aren't there, such as invisible sky pixies and magical events called "miracles".
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| Blood Sacrifice | The ritual slaughter of thousands to enforce conformity to a centralized theocracy. The Conquistadors were appalled by such atavism during their conquest of the New World, and were pleased to import their native religion from a continent that would burn thousands alive for heresy, or an additional X chromosome. The Aztec priestly caste found Christianity highly appealing.
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| Book | - A bound volume of divine, god-given wisdom (if it's part of any of the two first installments of the Middle-Eastern Trilogy).
- A bound volume containing demonic, magical and satanic knowledge (if it's scientific, political or philosophical).
- A foul demon (according to John the Chrysostome).
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| Book of Mormon | A fictional storybook concerning a bunch of Hebrews that sailed across the Pacific to the New World, built a huge civilization, was visited by Christ, and who conveniently disappeared just before Columbus arrived. Rather inconveniently, they left no archeological remains behind, except for a golden book written in Egyptian which also conveniently disappeared. |
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| Borg | Mechanistic precision-drilled savants bent upon the conquest and absorption of the civilized universe, lacking any spark of independent initiative or thought. (See: Wahabite, Fundamentalist, Assimilation.)
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| Boy Scouts of America | Group that Darrell Lambert was expelled from because he couldn't handle making a meaningless oath to a nonexistent being.
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| Brain | - A marvelous organ that allows humans to think critically, but which God expects you not to use.
- A marvelous organ that is at risk for disuse atrophy in many theists.
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| Brian | Name of a martyr who was born in the stable next door to Jesus's, who accidentally started his own cult, and was eventually crucified. A movie of his life was produced by members of Monty Python's Flying Circus.
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| Bumper sticker | Sign (usually) affixed to the rear of a vehicle proclaiming to everyone how unoriginal the driver is and that nobody else's opinion matters. |
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Glossary V2.0 |